COUNTING SYMPTOMS

There's a long list of symptoms on this website for men who are suffering after an abortion. I had a lot of them myself during the 15 years after my abortion. Some of them still haunt me to this day. Please join me as I review a few of them and see if you recognize yourself.

My most constant symptom is depression. In me, it came on anytime I saw anything that reminded me of my child I had lost. When I’d pass a playground and see a little red-haired girl who was about the age that my child would have been, I'd have an overwhelming sense of loss, of grief. I wouldn’t allow myself to understand that it was because I’d never push her on a swing or watch her play tag. I only knew that I felt a pull at my heart and wished that I had a little girl like that. Then I’d think of what a lousy dad I’d be, and go home to numb the feeling out.

I defended my imperfections fiercely, even from constructive criticism. Anything that suggested I was less than, or not good enough, would trigger a deep shame in me which would then trigger rage. I had to protect myself from attacks, real or not.

And of course, I felt shame. Even if I couldn't admit it consciously to myself, I felt it in my soul, seeing myself as worthless and endlessly guilty. It screwed up all my relationships, with my wife of the time, with my friends, and with my coworkers. I made up for it with bravado and excessive pride. And with drinking and drugging. I wanted to be numb because I hurt, and I wanted sensation because I was numb. It drove my second wife to other men and me into stupid adultery.

I still did creative work, but death was a constant theme, to the point people commented on it. Whether I knew it or not, I was obsessed with my dead child, and that reflected in everything. I was afraid to audition because I was afraid of rejection. And I made very little money from my efforts.

Now, I don't know if you recognize yourself in any of these situations. My guess is that you do, or you wouldn't be reading this blog. And I do know that our long list of symptoms could possibly stem from any source at all. Because of my denial, I couldn't figure it out. Therapy didn't really help.

What made the difference was that one day, when I realized that my daughter would have been almost sixteen, God gave me the grace to recognize what I had done: I had killed my only child. Suddenly it made sense. I finally knew what it was that made me feel guilty and ashamed. It broke my heart, but now that I knew, I could repent. I could be forgiven. That was when my healing finally began.

So, if you recognize any of those symptoms in yourself, sure, it could be from anything. But if you know that there's abortion decisions in your past, maybe you should examine that. God is ready to forgive and accept you into His loving arms.

With Project Joseph, we can help guide you back to Him.

If you have any questions or for this blog, send them to healing@projectjosephdallas.org.